The best thing about being unemployed and clinically depressed is that you have all the time in the world to get the things you need to do done you can get that fifteen hours of sleep you so desperately need and also silently weep for no reason without having to sit in a restroom stall you can simultaneously browse the internet for a better life AND watch your Sophia Coppola film collection you can even take an hour to daydream about your own funeral without having to fake like you are doing something important. Why not stand outside in your pajamas with your eyes closed, waiting for the sun’s warmth to thaw you out?

It never worked before, but before you had “things to do”

Go ahead, ruminate on the futility of hope from nine to five ignore the classifieds for another day wait for your mom to call so you can lie to her about your state.

It’s your unemployment, enjoy it while it lasts.